Sunday, June 10, 2007: This day I was married to Sundari (name later changed to Shashi by Bela Ben at Varanasi). What kind of marriage anniversary it is for me without Shashi who left me alone 4 years back –matter of 4 years looking like it was some thing that happened only yesterday. He face, her looks, her getup everything is so vividly visible to my eyes. Alone and single, my union with her for decades looks to be too small compared to these 4 years I have passed without her. Only the other day, Bachhey was murmuring in her dreams ‘Mummy, Mummy’ and how pathetically pinching it was to me every moment thereafter. I could not sleep the whole night. Bachhey normally doesn’t talk much about her Mummy otherwise, may be because she may not be able to express herself fully like normal people do but how deep is the thought of her mother in her mind that it has got so strongly fixed in her sub consciousness which comes out as her immediate thought during sleep. Alone am I, alone I live on, alone am I in taking care for Bachhey in a dual role as a father, as a mother. The very thought of her life without me with the fear of the unknown always in my mind terribly shatters me, more so as I have none around to share the situation. Infact it is for Bachhey that I am so much cautious about my health as to the extent it is left to me I would like to survive the maximum for her leaving the rest to the Immanent Will that is supreme and ultimate.